Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
