Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
