Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
