Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
