She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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