So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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