My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
50% drunk capacity currently
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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