i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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