I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
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She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
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He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot