I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.