im drinking this country out of the recession.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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