Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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