I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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