just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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