Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
