Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
