you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
