Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
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I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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