apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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