My Higher Power is John Stamos
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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