people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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