When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
