So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
