He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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