I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
