The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
