shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize