I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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