drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
