I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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