It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Ladies don't puke and tell
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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