omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
