i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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