OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
