I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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