you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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