Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
