I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
