Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
