i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
