sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
