My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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