it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
