Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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