you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is wine microwaveable?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
