Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
