I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
