Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
