party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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