I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
