also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
