she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
