I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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