Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
