Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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