I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
