I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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